Monday, July 23, 2012

Confession # 6 - I'm not the girl I used to be

If I had to describe my high school experience in three words I would say that it was:

  • Confusing - trying to figure out who I was and where I was going without God in my life.
  • Depressing - Realizing that I couldn't be everything everyone else expected me to be.
  • Alone - Lot's of acquaintances but no true friends.

My Before
 Here's a picture of me from my sophomore year.  When I asked my husband what he saw in my picture his reply was an attractive and confident girl.  I may have had people fooled because of course I knew what was going on inside my heart that most people couldn't see.  I call this picture my "before".  I not only looked different but I was completely different.  When I see this picture I see a scared, shy, and lonely girl who lacked the knowledge of God.  She spent her days trying to people please and getting pretty much nowhere.  By my senior year, I was failing many of my subjects, I had to forfeit my presidency in the S.A.D.D. club and I was relatively well known but I didn't really have anyone I considered a friend.  I didn't like myself nor did I feel like there was anything worthwhile inside.  I battled with anorexia/bulimia, a fact I managed to keep from my family. I didn't experience real love and I pretty much gave up on myself. By my senior year I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of school and had to be referred for counseling.  At this point I had simply given up on my life.

Eventually God taught me to like the reflection I saw back in the mirror.  and to learn to love myself through His eyes.  It's taken a long time of meditating on God's word along with the Holy Spirit moving and teaching me to grasp and understand it's meaning.  The process has involved removing many idols like obsessing over my appearance, control issues, co-dependencies, insecurities, etc.  I had to start by investing in time with Jesus to strengthen my character and discover who He created me to be.  Some days I still struggle with liking myself, but the point is that I've come a long way because of my Lord and Savior.  Thank you Jesus! 

Whenever I would look at pictures of myself I would cringe.  But now I know that, "God created my inmost being; He knit me together in my mother's womb...I am fearfully and wonderfully made...I was woven together in the depths of the earth, and His eyes saw my unformed body, all my days were ordained by Him before one of them came to be."  Psalm 139:13-16. 

My After

God has done the same thing for each and every one of us.  He created us wonderfully.  Maybe your high school experience wasn't as bleak as mine, maybe you were blessed enough to grow up knowing Jesus, but there may still be things you see in your past or even your present that make you want to cringe.  Keep in mind, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6.

So here is my "after"; a Christian, a busy mom and wife, a business owner, and a teacher.  God has worked many miracles to get me to this place and although I am still a work in progress, I will never be able to thank Him enough!

Thank you Dear Lord for bringing me so far, and teaching me to see what you see when I look in the mirror. AMEN!
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