Monday, November 26, 2012

Confession #32 - I'm Damaged Goods

Last post I wrote about labels and because of my experience in the Miss Teen Pageant I labeled myself "Disqualified".  Unfortunately, that isn't the only label I've owned. 

For the last several months there has been a possibility of adopting Lexi's three year old biological sister.  Ever since I knew she was born, I have prayed she would be ours.  Recently that dream has been squelched.  Although it's likely the state will terminate her mother's rights, this baby has a different father than our daughter and the state has decided to allow him to retain his.  So she will remain unadoptable.

Before we adopted Lexi I went through a painful process of infertility.  When I received the diagnosis of Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and was unable to conceive I had to put a name to my condition.  I couldn't accept that this was beyond my doing so instead I chose to impose a new and more horrible label "damaged goods".  Since becoming a mother that label has been erased, but recently it found it's way back onto my forehead. 

Damaged goods is the only way I could find to describe the broken state of mind I hold about my barrenness.  I know that the possibility of adopting another child is very slim, and honestly I don't think my husband and I are up to the arduous process of searching for another child mixed with the fact that he doesn't seem very willing and of course the limited funds.  So I decided to just blame myself and wear my self-inflicted label.

Those of you have struggled with infertility may be able to relate to this state of mind.  It's difficult to get past, especially when your options are so limited.  It's easier to blame yourself than to find fault in others or in process.

Worse may be the guilt because I know that I am simply incapable of fostering.  I know many foster parents and bless their hearts for what they do and endure, I could not.  I could not let go of a child I've raise since birth only to hand them back to their dysfunctional parent.  I could not deal with the sad and unfortunate baggage that comes with abused and neglected children, knowing that all the hard work we do will be for nothing when their placement is changed not to mention how difficult it may be for my daughter to adjust to.  I just don't have it in me and for that I feel terribly guilty. 

I suppose it doesn't  help that my sister is pregnant with number three.  Yet another reminder of the "damaged goods" I feel like.  It's so difficult to navigate this emotion especially with the holidays coming and my dreams of having another daughter by this Christmas gone.  I apologize for being so down this is not my plan for this blog but since I have vowed to "confess"  then I have to be honest and that's where my heart is today.

Today dear sisters rather than offering you all scriptural encouragement, I am asking for your prayers and encouragement.

I pray for those of you who have experience this emotion too.  God bless you all.
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