Thursday, March 21, 2013

Confession #43 - "I Don't Hate Myself Anymore!"

I found this post from a note I started on facebook a few years ago.  And after I read it I could hardly believe how much has changed in my heart.  God has done an AMAZING work in me because I used to say these words to myself all the time and frankly now I can't remember the last time I even thought them.  God really does heal a broken heart.  Here's the post:

Do you know how many times a day I say, “I hate myself”?  Way too many.   Whenever I regret saying something to someone else, “I hate myself.”  Whenever I look in the mirror and don’t like the image starring back at me, “I hate myself”.  Whenever I lose my temper with my daughter, “I hate myself”.  Whenever I realize I’ve missed an opportunity to bless another, “I hate myself.”  Whenever I pick out one of my husband’s flaws, “I hate myself”.  Whenever I don’t meet or sometimes even when I don’t beat my expectations I put on myself, “I hate myself.”

Where did this self loathing come from?  Why HATE?  Hate is such a strong word.  The dictionary defines the word hate as:  an intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury; extreme dislike or antipathy.  Okay so, in my anger against myself and my sinful nature, coupled with my fear that I’m not acting as the person God created me to be I HATE me.  But is that what God wants me to do; hate myself?  No, I don’t think so.  I know that when God created me He created my inmost being, He knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13).  But I also know that God hates sin (Romans 12:9).  So how do I separate myself from my sin, in other words the things that I do that are not pleasing to my God, myself, and others.  How do I learn to instantly to forgive myself and give myself grace and mercy to carry on?  I ask God for forgiveness ALL the time.  And I know that God forgives me and grants me grace and mercy.  (Acts 10:43)  Yet, I fail time and time again to grant the same grace and mercy to myself.  I punish myself over and over again for my mistakes.  So much so that I make it so difficult to learn from them and move on.  Growth cannot happen when we snare ourselves into traps of pity and self loathing, and let’s face it, that’s exactly where Satan wants us to be.  In fact, now that I think about it I’ll bet that devil whispers that word in my ear all the time.  He says to me, “Remember Joanne, You hate yourself”.   Wait a second.  I’ve been listening to the devil.  I’ve allowed myself to stay stuck in this pit of despair because of a lie?  OMG IT’S A LIE! 

I need healing.  Lord, “I don’t hate myself and from now on I’m going to combat that evil with the armor of God.  The Helmet of Salvation ought to do it coupled with a few hate fighting verses like:  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) 

Love never fails.  I love that verse.  We hear this one at weddings all the time.  It’s a message to love our spouses no matter what.  But how come we miss out on the message for ourselves.  We don’t apply it to our lives?  LOVE Yourself.  Why?  Because God created you, God loves you.  He loves you sooooo much that He sent His one and only Son to die for you!  (John 3:16)  That’s right, someone died for me.  He died for these evil sins I beat myself up for everyday.  By hating myself, I put to waste the Love Jesus displayed for me on that cross.  No, now it’s time to put away my hate and lock it in a box.  It’s time to embrace the love that God has for me and to know with every fiber of my being that He LOVES me and so I must Love myself.  When God commanded us to Love one another, (John 13:34) I believe He also meant for us to love ourselves.  Today I will not Hate Joanne.  I will give her a BIG Hug, tell her I forgive her, and I love her.  She is worth fighting for, Christ fought for me on that cross, and I won’t let it go to waste. 

This post was written in 2011 and I can tell you that this issue is all but a faint memory.  God has healed me and has taught me to cover my ears when the devil comes around with this horrible montra.

Dear Heavenly Father, praise you Lord for giving me the strength to end this self-loathing and learn to love myself.  Thank you Father that you have lavished your love upon me so that I know that I have enormous worth.  I know that "God so loved Joanne, that He gave His one and only son that since she believes in Him, she shall not perish but have eternal life."  And Lord I pray for my sisters-in-christ to grasp the same concept whenever they are feeling like they hate themselves as well.  In Jesus' name I pray.  AMEN
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