Monday, March 11, 2013

Confession #42 - "I'm Mad as Hell and I'm not Going to Take it Anymore!!!"

"I'm Mad as Hell and I'm not Going to Take it Anymore!"  Those are some pretty strong words hun?  Actually I'm quoting a line from a 70's movie, "Network".  In the movie a news anchor basically goes insane on camera and screams relentlessly, "I'm Mad as Hell and I'm not Going to Take it Anymore!" 

Well this has been my life as of late.  In a previous post, The Bank Debacle (to read more click on the link), I wrote about the rage I took out on the branch manager of our bank and how my anger got the best of me.  I was hoping that my anger was under control but after a few weeks have passed, I realized that just isn't so.  Let me explain:

I've had a pretty rough go of things over the last few months.  I'd go into detail but it would take too much time.  Suffice it to say that there's a long list of issues one right after another that have plagued our family over this time.  Nothing horrifically tragic, just enough for me to go stock raving MAD!

My birthday weekend was the final kicker.  On my birthday weekend I wanted to spend the day on Saturday with my husband, because I had a ministry commitment in the evening.  Instead he chose to go fishing two hours away so he couldn't make it home in time to watch our daughter.  After I scrambled and made last minute arrangements I was able to go, but a sacrifice was involved.  When I came home a very bad argument ensued.  Then on Sunday morning I was planning on going first for breakfast, then church, followed by going to meet a potential new dog and finally on to my mom's for a birthday dinner celebration.  While getting ready my daughter had a meltdown which spurred on a big problem between her and my husband.  In the midst of the stress, I somehow managed to drop the hot curling iron onto my chest, severely burning myself.  As I tended to my wound my husband and daughter's "incident" grew eating up the rest of the time we had.  Having to choose between breakfast or church and being I was so fed up with both of them, I refused to go anywhere.  I just layed on the recliner writhing in pain and cried.

The extended family didn't help either.  Since I couldn't spend Saturday with my husband, I had hoped to spend time with my mom, shopping, but instead she decided to cook a large dinner for my birthday on Sunday, (which I didn't request) but because she had so much prep work to do she could not come shopping.  She also decided to invite her friends over for the dinner.  Don't get me wrong, I don't mind, I believe the more the merrier,  but  I was dissappointed because she never bothered to ask me if I wanted to invite anyone.  On Sunday she was so busy with her cooking and cleaning she didn't have two seconds to spend with me the entire night and then to top it all off she made an ice cream cake.  Folks, I'm severely Lactose Intolerant.  Even with a Lactose pill, I can't eat ice cream without painful consequences and mom knows this.  So I watched as everyone enjoyed my birthday cake.  Needless to say I had given up on any hope of having a happy birthday.

Ladies, I realize that I sound like a whining little baby here, but this isn't the first time my birthday has been left in ruins, and sadly it probably won't be the last. 

By 3am Monday morning, the day of my actual birthday, I found myself awake and crying hysterically.  I was so depressed I couldn't sleep.  I left my room and layed down on the couch with my favorite comfort, the Bible, and prayed through my tears, "God, I can't sleep, why am I so depressed?  I can't take this sadness anymore.  Lord please bring me joy for my sorrow.  Please let something good happen to me today."  Just as I sat back quietly waiting on the Lord I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking in my heart.  He said, "Joanne, you're not depressed."  So I argued with God, "I'm not?  Really?  Are you kidding me?"  God replied, "You are not depressed."  "Okay then what am I?", I replied sarcastically.  "You are not depressed, you are angry.  And the minute you let go of your anger, you will be released."

God knows all and He knew my heart was just swimming, no drowning in anger.  I was angry about all the injustice I had suffered, the loss of my pets, my ruined vacation, the checks bouncing and the subsequent hold on my deposits, the lack of improvement in my daughter's behavior at school.  My husband's choices, and finally my fiasco of a birthday.  Nothing went as I expected.

And there you go, the magic word, expected.  I realized that the source of my frustration and anger was that I had tons of unmet expectations.  I put my trust in other people and just expected it to go as I had hoped.  And when it didn't I became angry!  And the more my expectations we're met, the more angry I became.  If I am ever going to get past this, if is to be any resolution for me, I have to let go of my anger and except the fact that if I didn't put expectations on people and situations, this would never have happened in the first place.

Ladies, the only real true expectations we can have is in the Lord.  God's word tells us the God is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow (Hebrews 13:8).  It tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5)  It tells us of God's everlasting love and promises.  And when God makes a promise, He NEVER breaks it, EVER!

It's not the same with people.  This world is full of evil.  People aren't perfect, so far from it.  They will hurt you and disappoint you time and time again.  The only reliable relationship we can have is with our Heavenly Father. 

I've decided to put my expectations on Him.  Present my requests to Him and the bibles says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7.  If I can just give Him my requests, and put my expectations on my loving Father, He will never disappoint me and He will guard me with His peace.  He will do the same thing for you my friend.

I'm done with visiting Hell with my anger.  That's not the place I want to be.  I want to be at peace with my life, and the people I care about no matter what.

Jesus died to bring me peace.  He left us saying, "My peace I leave with you" John 14:27.  We are instructed in Job 22:21-30:

“Give in to God, come to terms with him
and everything will turn out just fine.
Let him tell you what to do;
take his words to heart.
Come back to God Almighty
and he’ll rebuild your life.
Clean house of everything evil.
Relax your grip on your money
and abandon your gold-plated luxury.
God Almighty will be your treasure,
more wealth than you can imagine.

“You’ll take delight in God, the Mighty One,
and look to him joyfully, boldly.
You’ll pray to him and he’ll listen;
he’ll help you do what you’ve promised.
You’ll decide what you want and it will happen;
your life will be bathed in light.
To those who feel low you’ll say, ‘Chin up! Be brave!’
and God will save them.
Yes, even the guilty will escape,
escape through God’s grace in your life.”

I'm dedicating to giving my anger to God and not to get Mad as Hell anymore.  Won't you join me?

Dear Heavenly Father, please Lord forgive me for sinning in my anger.  For placing my expectations in the wrong places and on the wrong people.  Help me Lord when I am feeling tempted to expect anything other than your good and perfect and pleasing will for my life.  My hope is in you dear Lord and no one else.  Give me the strength to get past my anger and to live in complete peace.  And Loving God, for my sisters-in-Christ who live with constant unmet expectations let them turn their desires over to you.  In Jesus' name I pray.  AMEN.
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