I have become the worlds biggest and most critical person of my own faults and failures. Mostly I blame myself for every bad decision my child makes.
In the beginning I just figured that I was the World's Worst Mother. The expectations I held for my daughter were immensely high. This was a result of becoming a mother of a two-year-old who was unbelievably articulate and intelligent. Having never parented before, I didn't know what a reasonable expectation was, and so I assumed that she could understand and be responsible for things no two-year-old could deal with. Add in that my daughter comes from a background of abuse and neglect. She just needed a mother who could offer her love, protection, comfort, and understanding. Instead she got a crazed yeller who thought her baby could control her emotions. Frankly, I didn't see her as a baby, albeit she was in diapers, her intellect and vocabulary suggested otherwise, and my complete lack of experience led to severe incompetence as a mom. Coupled with the sad fact, as I've mentioned in my post I Was Afraid I Couldn't Love Her, that it took over a year for me to bond with her.
As God taught me how to love her that changed and I stopped calling myself "The World's Worst Mother". But it's not like I'm any easier on myself. I become so frustrated when she makes bad choices and gets herself in trouble. I feel embarrassed whenever she is disrespectful towards other adults. I judge myself when she's not applying herself academically, and I take it personally whenever she can't manage to solve age-appropriate moral dilemmas. Why???? Oh goodness, here comes the tears...
Truthfully, I really am doing the best job I can. I know I'm not perfect nor will I ever be; that's Jesus' job. Honestly, the growth I've made in the last 5 years has been tremendous. I've fought so long and so hard to get her the help she's needed. I've taken things off my plate so I can spend more quality time with her. I've put things on my plate so I can become more involved in the areas that concern her. I've kept myself from working a full-time job so that I can be here for her more. I pray everyday for her. I look for new ways to teach her and keep her engaged. Although, I've invested all I have into being a good mother....I still feel like I fall so short. Even with all those accomplishments I believe that I'm not doing enough, spending enough time, teaching her well enough, praying long enough, being a good enough example, etc.... And the game continues...
The name of my game piece is Fear. Fear that she will grow up to be like her bio mom. If your an adoptive parent you can probably relate. This fear is fueling an insane need to control everything in and out of my power to make sure that doesn't happen. But this Blame Game has got to come to an end! My head tells me that all I can do is my best and leave the rest up to God. But my heart tells me it's my fault and I'm failing her. This way of thinking is parental suicide. Non of us can live up to it. Yet I remain a pawn in this horrible game because I think I can have control and I don't. God is in control. It reminds me of Twila Paris' song. Click play on the video. There is power in these lyrics and I promise you won't be disappointed:
God IS in control! Isaiah 40:27-31 says, "Why do you complain,
If you're playing an endless round of The Blame Game will you retire your game piece with me and just leave it to God?
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you Lord that you ARE in control. That every detail of our lives matters to you. Instead of playing the blame game you show us grace and grant us mercy. Lord teach me to do the same for myself. Please help me to destroy the Blame Game and replace it with a joy-filled peace in my parenting. And where I fall short, teach me & mold me. And great and merciful Father, grant the same to these wonderful and amazing moms who like me are doing the best they can. In Jesus' name I pray. AMEN.