Unfortunately, I'm far from whole. I'm still in pieces everywhere. Still feeling the aftershocks of my emotional earthquake of a life. I can't seem to get the pieces to stay glued in and once I bend over to pick up another piece, a different one part falls off. I can't seem to keep it all together.
Financially things continue to get worse and worse. My husband has barely worked for the last several months and we are just eeking by. My family life is really suffering, my daughter continues to face many challenges with her behavior issues and school complications. I can honestly say there isn't an area in my life right now that I don't have to think about. I can't just say, "Oh that's going good so I don't have to think about that right now."
Basically I'm in survival mode. Survival Mode is when you can only live in the moment, second by second, minute by minute to get through the difficult situations. It's been so tiring.
At the end of September I was able to attend the Women of Faith Conference in Orlando, FL. And I can honestly say that the experience was wonderful. God gave me a major vision for my life, and insight into the plans that He has for me. But shortly after that "high" I quickly became bombarded by the reality of my current situation and the depression sank in deeper.
In an attempt to understand why, I thought maybe it's a spiritual attack. I know the evil one wants to keep me from realizing the dream God has place on my heart. And try as I may to combat it, I have found myself quite weak in my defenses. I find it so difficult to lift myself out of this muck and mire and get clean again. My second theory is that perhaps it's a test. A test from God to refine me for the work He has planned.
The other day, my friend sent me a link to a video that changed my perspective. It made me think twice about my situation and what may be happening to me right now. If you are going through a difficult situation today, one that you have no answers for, where things seem to be happening without rhyme or reason, please watch this video. I know it will encourage you. In the midst of my pain and suffering this spoke to me and gave me hope.
God could have left Job alone, sure, but then we never would have heard of Job. As difficult as my current situation, I know I'm not alone that God has not abandoned me and that He loves me.
While at Women of Faith, I had the privilege of hearing Max Lucado speak and he was telling a story of different people going through different situations and how he would address them. Here's what he said:
"You'll get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime, don't be foolish or naive. But don't despair either. With God's help you'll get through this."
Whether or not this situation is an attack or it's a test it doesn't matter. The Bible tells us "What you intended for evil God turned it into good." Gen 50:20. And Romans 8:28 reminds us, "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose."
Now I'm back to picking up the pieces, but I have a new perspective. I know God loves me too much to leave me to myself. And so I'm thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, the reason these pieces aren't sticking is because well, I'm trying to put them back where they were and God has a different order, a new picture He wants to create with them. I think I need to leave the pieces to Him and let my Maker put me back together in His time and His design.
Dear Heavenly Father, forgive me for not allowing you control in my life. For not giving myself over to you and trying to do it all on my own. Be with me and my sisters-in-Christ who are suffering right now. Give us the strength it takes to allow you to piece us back together. In the meantime encourage us to go on and know that you love us too much to leave us alone. In Jesus' precious name I pray. AMEN.
P.S. I'd like to thank all of you who have been praying for me. It wasn't easily to write this post, but your prayers made it possible. Thank you!!!!!